You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
