My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
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He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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