I can tuck mytits in my pants
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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