I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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