i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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