my being single is dangerous.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
why is half of my head shaved?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
