Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
