living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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