Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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