I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
