I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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