after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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