You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
