I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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