Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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