I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
