I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
