based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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