If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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