Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
my god I love twenty year old dicks
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
