his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
