if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
