I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
two words: eviction party
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
