I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
