There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
