She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
