Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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