She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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