who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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