I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
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I spit up blood this morning
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck