i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.