Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
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I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
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Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.