come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
