Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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