I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
