i would punch a child for taco bell
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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