apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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