one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
