just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
