Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
