in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
