(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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