Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
