im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How external is "for external use only"?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
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are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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