I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
