Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
