His pubic hair was longer than his dick
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
