I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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