i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
