explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
