I love how my cats smell like pot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
