I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
