It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My life is pants optional.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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