I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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