i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
