who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
