Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
