I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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