Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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