I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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