hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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